10 Things Every Single Should Own - or - Why Lavalife Has it All Wrong

I my inbox this morning was an email from Lavalife. This isn't unusual. I signed up for the service last summer, but never went on a date. At most, I chatted with a few people online a little, usually ending in disappointment (ew, a realtor and proud of it). Usually, I ignored the smile from the 43 yr old icky guy or the couple looking for a little something 'extra.'

Aaaanyway, in addition to connecting singles stuck in the solitude of the big city, Lavalife also offers advice how to heat up your dating life and find 'the one' (again, ew). Although the advice is occassionally funny ("7 reasons to date a geek"), there is a desparate note that would doom anyone to a life of 43 yr old ickies. Case in point: 10 Things Every Single Should Own:

1) A mobile phone - so you're always reachable for that hot date.
no no no, who wants to be the person available at a moments notice? who wants to scream? please call me! I'll do whatever you want, whenever! I have nothing better to do!
Instead - call display, so you can weed out calls from the guy looking for his next wife instead of a date.

2)A Pair of Good Shoes - so you look well polished, groomed, blah blah.
no, no, no - you own a good pair of shoes so you look hot (heels) AND so you can keep up with your date. Unless you're going to sit for the entire date (booooring), get something you can walk in.

3) Great Underwear - they didn't say why, just specified no holes or animal print (they have that right)
wait - are we assuming the date gets to see the underwear on the first date? undies have little to do with the other person (seriously, do they really notice?). its about making yourself feel good. so go with what is comfy & make you feel hot. that way, even if you get stood up, you have the confidence -and shoes- to walk about and find a new date.

4) A killer outfit - similar reasons to above
they stress a slinky top or dress for women. real confidence is knowing you're bloody hot in a t-shirt & jeans. dare him to tell you otherwise. don't stoop to dressing like a sexpot to be sexy

5)A hot photo of yourself - for lavalife (and they claim confidence) purposes
try a mirror - far more useful and needed for many

6)A well stocked bar
since when are we in highschool & need to get the girl drunk?

7)A good makeout CD
since when are we assuming we want this person to know where we live? and, if we do, sitting in the basement listening to albums isn't quite the atmosphere to set.

8)A good cookbook (to make you seem in control, and save money on takeout)
how about being in control of your life? and having food? and again - how did this person get in my house?

9) A safe sex stash
cause we're begging for it -or- are players with a stash at hand. very important to own though

10) A good set of sheets - high thread counts are sexy
more important - how the sheets make you feel when you're alone in bed. don't be dirty. if you're happy in your own bed alone, that's how you be happy & comfortable with another person there.

What lavalife forgets is their website is full of wierdos. Ok, I'll be nice. Maybe the wierdos would be very happy together. But this advice will not turn people into confident, stepping-out, happening singles. Instead, it will make a lovely barbie or ken doll who can look the part - in a desparate kind of way. which is obviously important. good god.